I really don't have time to do this right now - there are about a million things that need my attention - but I fear that if I don't write something soon, I may never do so again. Plus, I'm a terrible procrastinator - all sorts of things suddenly look attractive when there's actual work to be done!
We have made no decision yet on whether/when to go forward with a FET with our DE frosties - I change my mind at least daily. Sadly, since my husband is still only on three days a week at work and there is no certainty that he will even have a job this time next year, money is a huge issue. We took on the house project in the same week we discovered that I was pregnant with our wee boy - we had no idea they would both come to fruition. As a result, we ended up with a huge mortgage and an expensive little bundle - childcare costs the same as our mortgage. If it were my job that was uncertain and part-time, I might consider quitting and taking the wee one out of childcare. But it's not - my job is secure and we need it. I hate the thought that money might be what makes the decision on whether we have another child but I have to be sensible about it. When layed alongside the health and age issue, it does make me wonder whether we should go ahead. Then I think of writing to ask for the embryos to be allowed to perish and I can't face that thought.
I am not enjoying being a mum that works full-time. While I would not make a great stay-at-home mum, I really liked having my Wednesdays with the boy. I think I do my job better, working full-time, but it doesn't make me a better mother and certainly not a better housewife. Our house looks like it's been overrun by dustbunnies and there are rooms that aren't entirely safe to enter, lest a teetering pile overbalance and bury you!
All that said, I feel incredibly lucky. I have an amazing son who said "Love you, mummy!" for the first time last night - words I thought I might never hear. I have a husband that I don't spend nearly enough time with but I do love him (and sometimes even like him, despite the ongoing sleep deprivation and life-stress). My parents live downstairs and, while not in their first flush and with one or two health issues, they are wearing pretty well. And, joy of joys, my sister and her family are moving to our city, to a house round the corner, four along from ours!
My sister and her husband had what I describe as a joint mid-life crisis back at the start of 2012. They have been living in London for about 15 years, maybe more, and have been planning to leave for at least half of that time. In January, they decided they were going to do something about it. In April, they packed up all their belongings, put most of them in storage, bought a trailer to hitch to the car for the rest, made sure the dog had had her rabies shots and set off for France. They had one week booked in self-catering accommodation in the north of the country and then they drove south till they found somewhere they liked and stopped. Their kids - a girl of 10 and a boy of 12 - were put into school speaking no French and have coped remarkably well. There was talk of moving on to Canada, Australia or other far away places. We used all our airmiles visiting them in October, thinking we'd better make the most of it while they were still within reach. Then, the day before we were due to set off to see them, my mother sent me a message asking if I knew that my sister had a job interview in our home city that week. I didn't! She got it and they are moving here in just over a week!
I love my wee sister and I also adore my niece and nephew - they were born before all our miscarriages and, for a long time, I thought they were probably going to be the nearest thing I got to having my own children. My son thinks they are brilliant and they seem to think the same of him. The thought that he might grow up with them near by makes me feel a little easier with the possibility that he might be an only child.
I am counting my blessings here because it is a very difficult time for a lot of my friends right now - particularly my work friends. They are facing illness, the loss of parents, the loss of partners and partners losing jobs. This last week brought so much bad news in our workplace. It's not the easiest time of year for primary teachers. We don't so much wind down towards the holidays as get wound up, with parties, plays, activities and the general Christmas atmosphere that means that our pupils are overtired and overexcited (never a good combination!). It's extra hard, in the midst of all that, for these friends to be dealing with serious family issues and hard for others to make time to offer them help or a listening ear. But that's what we need to do - just be there for them and try to make things just a little better in any way we can.