Saturday, April 5, 2014

Um . . . Still Here

Just to say that I haven't dropped off the face of the earth.

I am feeling a lot better about the fact that we will remain a family of three but still feel like I need to sort through some of the stuff in my head. I will be seeing a counsellor next week and I hope that will help. I am due to have a prolapse repair and possibly a hysterectomy later in the year, which scares me silly - especially when you add sleep apnoea, high blood pressure and a clotting condition to the mix. Before that, I have an appointment at the breast clinic to check out the fact that I'm a bit lumpy and there seems to be a tiny amount of what looks like milk coming from the left boo*b (can make a small amount come from the right, too, but it doesn't happen spontaneously). I alternate between breast cancer and a brain tumour as a diagnosis - obviously hoping it's actually just a weird hormonal thing.

The boy is amazing and frustrating. His language comes on in leaps and bounds and he is so physically active. His listening ears, on the other hand, work intermittently and he sometimes smiles or outright laughs when he is told off. The nursery obviously find this as irritating as I do! He can also be kind, sharing and very funny. Probably a normal three year old! We are trying to potty train him at the moment and it ain't going smoothly - we will get there in the end though (none of my Primary 1 children have ever come to me in nappies, so I have faith).

I have several posts in my head about parenting after infertility and being an older mum and another several about my family and how the dynamics have changed now that my parents, my sister and her family and I all live in the same city. Maybe I'll even have time to write one of them sometime - there seems to be no time for anything else but work and parenting. I really miss having time with friends and being able to chat and relax. I feel like any problem I have is magnified by the fact that I can't just chew it over with a friend. Not sure what to do about that.

I am also trying very hard to find time to exercise in an attempt (along with half-hearted calorie reduction) to lose some weight before my op. However, see above re how my time is spent to get an idea of how that is going.

Does every other parent (who also works full-time) find life so squeezed?


Rebecca said...

It's good to see a post from you. It sounds like you have a lot going on! I'm glad you are feeling somewhat better about the family of 3 situation, but it's great that you are also taking the initiative to talk with a counselor about it. It's clear there is a lot in your life that you are very thankful for, but at the same time, what your family size is vs. what you wanted it to be is still a loss, and that's a totally valid thing to grieve and work through.

I hope the gyn surgery goes well. I am impressed that you are not at your PCP's or gyn's beating on their door saying "Look at what my boobs are doing!!", which is probably what I would do in that situation. :-) But seriously, it does sound like hormones. And lumpiness is common. I got another mammogram in preparation for our most recent FET, just to make sure there wasn't anything scary going on since I was about to put a bunch more estrogen into my body. The ultrasound technician commented that my boobs were really lumpy. I had no idea - they're the only boobs I've ever felt up, so they just seemed normal to me. :-)

About life being so squeezed - absolutely! And I realize I have a lot less to complain about than the average mom who works outside the house full-time, because I do my full-time job remotely from home. So I don't have the commute to deal with, but it still doesn't seem like there are enough hours in the day. My house used to always be perfectly clean and organized. Now, dusting doesn't get done until it builds up to the point that I can write in the furniture with it, and whenever I find a rare moment to tackle one pile of chaos, another seems to pop up in its place. But I tell myself I'll have all the time in the world to dust and pick up after things once the Kiddo is in college... :-)

Again, great to hear from you!

femiint said...

oh great blog.. thanks for sharing