Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Done and Done

This cycle is over and so is our journey through infertility and loss.

I thought I'd be ok but then the nurse who took my blood this morning was nice to me and I've been trying not to cry all day. The final straw was the call to get the result I already knew. I had to give a presentation to the staff at my school after the kids went (I hadn't been able to rehearse it because last night, when I came in from the infertility support group I help out with, I got a migraine - hardly any wonder, really - stress at work, failed cycle and hormones - the perfect storm). So, the call had to wait.

Tonight, I want comfort food and wine. Tomorrow, I want to restart my anti-anx.iety medication. I want to be numb for a while. I don't want to think about those three embryos that could have been my son's brothers or sisters and the fact that, even if we did do more treatment (which we can't/won't) we can never have that donor and that genetic combination again. That breaks my heart - how could I not want more like him - more for him?

And if one more person tells me "it wasn't meant to be", I might say something unforgivable.

Of course, although the physical journey is over the emotional one is not - and we will always carry it with us. Everything feels fragile right now - I am terrified that we will lose our wee boy, which would be to lose everything. And I can't bear the thought that he might be lonely - if not now, then one day in the future.

I think I have some processing to do.


Roccie said...

I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how much pain you have, then you start to add on the perceptions of losses through your son's eyes. I am so sorry.

S said...

I'm so sorry. Was so hoping that this cycle would be a success for you.


Journey Girl said...

Oh, I'm so sorry, that just completely and utterly sucks. I know that there is nothing I can say to comfort you right now but I'm sending you big hugs. It wasn't 'meant to be' I think that's a load of shit, it is just a really, really crap situation. Thinking of you.

Rebecca said...

I am so very, very sorry. I was really hoping the result would somehow be different than what you expected. (((big hugs)))